I’m not really doing anything anymore, except for reading, worrying about reading, talking about reading and dreaming about smoking (almost every night). People post pictures of themselves on Facebook and…sometimes I get pissy. I’m like “oh, look at you, having a great, interesting, beautiful life.” That’s one of the more insidious things about the internet (I mean for me personally. Obviously there are five billion objectively more insidious things about the internet), this illusion that everyone’s life is so much better than mine. It doesn’t help that my main distraction from reading happens to be fashion blogs starring people whose lives are not only better but infinitely more well styled (a week in Montauk? Really, My Style Pill?). But yeah, I know. It’s not like people post pictures of themselves laying around in bathrobes and crying on the internet. I think they should though. I should start a blog that is just photos of me reading, crying and picking at the zits on my forehead, wearing yoga pants and men’s t-shirts. It would be like a public service. I’d have one or two pictures of me looking and behaving fabulously (maybe dressed like a hot librarian perusing the spines at the beautiful SLC public library, or, I don’t know, wearing something hipstery and stone-washed, watching Kurt Vile and Thurston Moore play at the SLC outdoor concert series) so that the crying/picking pictures would be cast into proper relief. “Here is something more like a whole life: Here is my picture of having drinks with friends at the Garage. Here is my picture of being lonely. Here is my picture of picking up dog shit off the driveway. Here is my picture of the homemade pickles we put in the fridge three days ago.”
Competitive living: I want out! Unfortunately, beyond the internet situation, I’ve sort of wedged myself into competition, what with the very nature of grad school/academia, trying to publish in a flooded market and the job crisis etc. Now is the time to BE A CONTENDER. The problem with this outlook is that it’s always gazing forward into the Future. It’s easy to forget that I’m actually living my life right now. It’s easy to view grad school as some sort of purgatory or waiting room. But no, it’s not. It’s just life. Zit-picking, fun-having, pickle-making, shit-grabbing life.